Self-justification

I'm in the process of trying to sort out the degree that I left half-finished, and figuring out where I want to go from there. In fact I have enough credits for two degrees, but that's an issue for another post.

The point is, that I know where I want to go, what I want to study, and what I want to do, but I'm trying to figure out how to justify it. How to convince someone that it is a valid topic to base an MA and a PhD on, and how to pull it all together into something that has a semblance of scholarship.

It's something that matters to me, and something that has validity, but it's also something that has the potential to blow up in my face, or to get pushed off into a corner and discarded. I don't know. I suppose that I'd better go and see someone at the department that I want to get into, to ensure that I can make it there.

I'm worried about having my idea stolen, which gives me an inkling that it's good. Also, the fact that I've never seen anything like it. I also haven't had anything to do with academics in ten years, and during that time I've suffered from disabling illness, and subsequent stroke damage, so I'm going to have to deal with that as well.

I'm tremendously apprehensive, read, shit scared, but also determined. I can't stay on disability. The money isn't good enough, and I can't cope with being useless. I know that I need this time to let my body rest, and it would be good to have an opportunity to re-train my brain around a purpose. I'm not ever going to be able to do the work I used to do, not the graphic design, and not anything physically gruelling, so it's going to have to be something that is time limited, largely self-directed, and academics seems to be something that I enjoy.

I'm looking forward to trying it, to be honest.

I really only did the graphics because I fell into it. It's easy, and it's good money, and it was a job, when school felt like a trip into nothingness. Probably because I was taking things I didn't care about. This will be different.